I have this vivid memory of my first church service after my kidney transplant. It was October 31st, 2019, a Thursday night service, we were still meeting in the chapel. I had chosen a Thursday night to return because I knew it would be less people, since my human contact needed to be hindered due to my compromised immune system. We had a guest speaker that night named Ken Dillingham. I had never heard of him before and haven’t since, but the title of his message was Sumpheneo: Symphony with the Spirit. To sum it up, it was about how things are ordained in heaven before they happen on Earth, and if we are in sync (symphony) with the spirit then the things that God has already ordained will come to pass. At least that’s what I remember, I could be completely off. The reason I remember it so vividly is almost as soon as he opened his mouth I saw a massive cork board basically drop down right in front of me. As he continued to speak, one by one I saw thumb tacks land on random places on the board. Then towards the end as he was wrapping up and I began to see a red thread go and wrap around each thumb tack and connect all of them. Tears were streaming down my face as I felt the presence of God while he confirmed that every step I had taken was in step with His Will. I truly cannot put into words the clarity I felt in that moment. Every ounce of questioning and doubt about what God had brought me through was just gone. I knew and still know I was in His hands every step of the way.
I share this because I was recently listening to the Maverick City Song, “Jireh” and one of their lyrics caught my attention. “On the mountaintop, I can see so clearly what it’s all about.” That moment that I just shared was that lyric fully realized. I had just gotten my second chance at life and made it through the valley of kidney failure, and in that moment I was able to look back at all the steps that I took to see God’s hand weaving a distinct line throughout. If I went to google and typed message about the mountaintop then I will probably get about a million sermons. Some about how we just need to make it to the mountaintop, others about how life on the mountaintop is not sustainable.
It’s hard to believe, but I am passing into my 9th year since all of my medical stuff began. Over those 9 years I can look back and honestly the mountaintops are few and far in-between. Our mind and bodies are absolutely incredible, because essentially if we are put into one environment for long enough our bodies will basically adapt to that environment. People in Alaska aren’t as cold as those in Texas and those in Colorado breathe differently than those in Delaware. (Which I just found out is the state with the lowest average elevation.) So for my body, it’s sad to know but there are things about me that have adapted to the valleys. When I am on the mountaintop I am out of my element. My mind begins to play tricks on me and rather than acclimating to the new environment it starts to look for the next shoe to drop. My mind knows that the the mountaintop is not sustainable so it is only a matter of time until something comes and begins my descent off my peak. Getting to the point that everything I receive in my life is received with the expectation that I was going to lose it. And if it wasn’t that thing, then God was going to take something else in my life to even the board. Whether it be an impact on my relationships, my finances, or even my health again, something was lurking around the corner. Something I have learned about God is that He does in fact love to give us what we want. Well with the caveat that our desire will ultimately be our down bringing.
I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and God so kindly gave into what I was expecting and suddenly in one week all three areas of my life dropped out from underneath me. Health, relationships, and finances all demolished. Suddenly I emulated the person everyone had been comparing me to for years – Job. God removed His covering and Job lost all three back to back to back. I hadn’t been kindly escorted down the mountain, I was Spartan kicked off Everest. I know we all love to quote Job 1:21, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.” The issue with that is we often misquote it. It’s written as the Lord “gave” and the Lord “taketh” away, meaning that Job was saying God has given to me before and now he has taken things away from me, and if he continues to take and does not give, I will continue to bless the Name of the Lord. That kind of makes you rethink what you would do in Jobs situation. I will stop saying we and I will say I. I have always said it in the context of winking one eye as I said it. Essentially, I know God is going to take things away but I also know He’s going to give so I will continue to bless His Name. I mean look at my kidney transplants. I lost my first one given to me by my own mother just so He could turn around and bless me with what the doctors called a ‘miracle kidney’. I had adapted to the valleys to the point that I felt like I had figured out God. Which for those of you who know anything about anything, know that there are few more dangerous places to be than at a place where you think you have God all figured out.
He gave me a one way ticket to the darkest place I have ever been and didn’t give me the flashlight to find my way out. When Job finally decided to question God, God’s response was where were you when I formed the Earth. Essentially saying I don’t know who you think you are but there is only one Me. At the bottom of that pit, that’s what I found. Similar to Job, I found an unbroken man who had taken control of his life in his own hands. The saying goes, you fall on the rock or the rock falls on you. Except what we fail to realize is when we fall on the rock, there is only one. When the rock falls on us, there is no telling the quantity or size of rocks that God is willing to use. I am trying to learn through His Grace and Mercy how to not get back to that point, but the truth of the matter is that I am human and making bad decisions is kind of my thing.
Now when I mentioned my health earlier, I am sure most of you began to think that there was something kidney related happening, but that isn’t the full story. I am currently experiencing something called ascites. It is basically fluid that builds up in your abdomen. The only way to remove the fluid is for someone to stick a needle in my side and drain it. I get drained weekly and usually have anywhere from 4-7 liters drained. Yes, you read that right, liters not ounces. Usually weighing about 10-20 pounds all centered in my abdomen. The cause of this phenomenon is often the liver, except after very thorough and extensive testing, my liver is totally fine. So the next place is the heart, but no luck there either. The ol’ ticker is working like a charm. Next stop is the kidney and that is mostly functioning as it is supposed to. In addition to those main three, I have also been tested for every cancer, infection, and virus you could think of. This past week I even had a surgery to double triple check that it wasn’t the liver. They can’t figure out what is causing it.
If you didn’t know, I am a problem solver. I like to fix things. No matter how bad it is, there is always a process and a next step to take to fix whatever is wrong. With my health, that has become a bit of a crutch because when you’re sick and they know what is wrong with you, a majority of the time they have a plan and process to fix you. I believe there is a saying in rehab of “trust the steps”. I feel like that is where I have found myself with my kidney issues. There is always a way forward. Until now. Oh and are you ready for the cherry on top? The ascites is now damaging the kidney each time I fill up and get drained. They believe my kidney currently had about 20-30% of scarring. Meaning that 20-30% of my kidney is gone, just dead cells. Now again my brain works in steps and likes to walk all the way from A-Z. So to recap I have an undiagnosable disease that is actively damaging my kidney on a weekly basis. Unlike the liver, the kidney isn’t able to repair itself, so when it’s gone it’s gone.
It wouldn’t be an inaccurate statement to say that I could be back on dialysis in 6 months if the damage continues to progress at this rate. Fear really liked that one and grab onto it like a dog on a chicken bone. Fear has been beating me over the head with that idea for the past 2 months. There is this long hallway I have to walk down to get to where I get drained and the amount of times that I have heard “Dead man walking” is enough to absolutely lose it.
So what am I supposed to do? I have two options, give up or keep on going. But what does giving up even look like? Is it turning my back on a God that I know is real or is it throwing in the towel mentally, emotionally, and physically. Well neither of those are even an option for me because both would be so against everything that I am. So I am stuck with just going forward. Similar to the Disciples who found themselves in a boat that was being destroyed by the storm, my only option is to continue to other side. But what does that even look like or mean? Am I just supposed to keep on marching towards the dialysis machine like nothing is wrong? Or am I supposed to go down kicking and screaming so at least people can look at me and say I went down with a fight? The answer is neither.
When I found myself at the bottom of the deepest darkest hole I had ever been in, the only thing that gave me any relief whatsoever was casting. I live alone so I am able to mumble and talk to myself a lot and that’s what I did. Every morning, every hour, every minute, every second, whatever it took to get enough relief that I could take my next breath. That brought me to a place where I didn’t really worry about the next step I was going to take because I knew that since God had everything, the next step would be His. The beautiful thing with casting is it creates space. By removing those things you allow God to then fill in those empty spaces. I sometimes laugh at my younger self, constantly begging God to fill me with His power and Spirit, meanwhile I was carrying the weight of the world with me and there wasn’t any room left for God.
The difficult part of writing this is there is no mountain top in sight. I know you are saying well duh you typically can’t see the mountaintop from the valley. What I mean is short of a miracle, there is no next step, no fix, nothing that is on the horizon that could bring me out of this, like with my kidney. I always had the idea of a transplant to hold onto. It was the end goal, it was other side that God was leading me to. So now I have to make a decision, am I going to live and look out for the next mountaintop or do I learn to continue to walk with God where I am regardless of its depth. For those of you playing at home the answer is the second one. Similar to the mountaintop, the further down you go the less life you find. So the only way that I am going to be able to survive and even go beyond and thrive in this place is if the only thing I am carrying is what He has given to me. Everything else has to be dead. All of my acclimation to the valley has been thrown out the window because it is useless in the Marianna Trench.
I wish that I could say that I am currently living this way and exhibiting this wonderful relationship with God each and every day, but the truth is I’m not. Not yet at least, but God is giving me the chance to learn how to fall on the rock and live broken. Some days I get it right, most of the others I don’t, but thankfully His Grace is sufficient. I wish I could say this will be the last time I will have to learn this, but the truth is again that I am human. If you know me at all, you know that I am not writing this to get my own pity party. I have tried my best to hide these situations because honestly living in the spotlight with all of your weaknesses on display is not a fun place to be. I have been the sick kid for the better part of a decade and it gets frustrating when people begin to only see you one way. Frankly, I have gotten to the point that even I struggle to remember what I am like healthy and full of energy.
Philippians 4:11-13 says, “11. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12. I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I am beginning to learn more and more that verse 13 isn’t about talking to mountains and casting them into the sea and being an unstoppable soldier for Christ because Christs strengthens me. He is saying I have learning that even if God has given me the last thing He will ever give me and He has taken everything and will continue to take, I will bless the Lord even in that time. And since I have learned to be at peace regardless of the situation, I no longer have to rely on my own strength to get me through, I am able to rely on the strength of the one who died for me to carry me through to whatever may come next. Whether it be a valley or a mountain or a desert, it doesn’t matter because He is the reason I am still standing.
Purpose in the Pain 