Alive

I’m supposed to be dead right now. 

According to the doctors I should have been dead many, many years ago. Back in 2014, I was asked by three different doctors all on the same day how I was still alive. 

Every single fact that the doctors read were each readings they usually only saw in autopsies. I was literally missing half of the blood in my body. Although we compare them a lot our bodies are not cars and don’t continue to run when they are half a tank low. I 

There are only about 5 people who really truly know how badly dialysis effects me. How it wipes all of my energy and strength for a majority of my day. How it plays with my blood pressure like a jump rope. How messed up my arm continues to look as it is continuously pricked by the needles. 

Often when I’m starting to wear down from the monotonous process of dialysis I just reflect on the fact that I should not even be sitting in the chair. According to the doctors I’m supposed to be dead. According to the doctors I’m not supposed to be graduating with my associates this semester. According to the doctors I’m not supposed to be a part of my Campus Ministry. According to the doctors I’m not supposed to be a part of my church’s new congregation. 

No matter what comes my way to try and knock me down. No matter what tries to keep me down. If it couldn’t kill me, there shouldn’t be doubt in your mind that it can stop me from getting back up every single time.

I have started changing my response to “how are you” recently. Now instead of the often meaningless “Good”, I have began to say “Alive and here”. Sometimes being alive is truly one of the best things I have going for me at the moment. Regardless of how bad it gets I can’t give up.