Every Ounce

5:00 AM every Monday is the worst day of my week. I go through my weekend trying my best to conserve how much fluids I drink only for it to not even matter. It will be almost three full days since my last dialysis and every ounce would still be on my body, just sitting there.

A good example would be if you went out every night of the entire week and got black out drunk and was able to wake up the next day with no hang over. Except for Monday. On each Monday the concussive hangover would almost kill you and make you regret and question every day before it. Then turn around and do it again.

There are obviously a few differences between my example and real life but not many. Mine takes that week and condenses it down to a three day weekend and also doesn’t actually involve any alcohol. And instead of a hangover it’s  swelling. Oh and don’t worry there is no alcohol involved on my end except maybe the occasional root beer.

I will wake up on Monday dreading dialysis because I already know that I have fluid overload and that day is going to be a rough day. Then after the 7 minutes I have built into my alarm to allow for me to sit and ponder each morning is up, I get up and I go.

With as much fun it is to lie in my bed and wallow in my sadness; it’s counterproductive. Nothing eventful happens when I beat myself up because I just had to have that last glass of delicious sweet ice tea. At the end of the day, or should I say at the beginning of the morning, I get up and I go to dialysis.

Everyday of the week, the second I wake up a fight begins. A battle for my mind, my sanity and my faith in God. And the determining factor on how the rest of the day will go is whether I harbor all of the emotions of sadness and confusion or if I heed His call to trust Him above all else.

Depending on the day the battle is different. Some days I battle whether it is truly worth it to go to dialysis to only end up feeling sick at the end. Other days it’s whether or not I should take my Meds that are required for my blood pressure to stay even remotely with in the range of “safe”. It’s in those moments of despair, loneliness and anguish that I have to give every emotion and thought to God for the sake of my well being.