You Hold My World

I’m not sure how you listen to music but I like to listen to the same song on repeat until I hate it, then I will listen to it about 20 more times. Currently that song is “You Hold My World” by Israel Houghton. There is a part of the song towards the end that says “You won’t let go of me” on repeat then it switches to “You will take care of me”. Each time I listen to the song I find myself singing along or at the very least repeating those words under my breathe.

I have said this before but back when my kidney rejected I went to a pretty low place. I remember a couple Sunday morning services that I went to church and stood in the middle back amidst some of the most powerful moves of God I had ever seen. But it was like I had a one way mirror tube surrounding me and I could see everyone but no one could see me. I could see how tangible the presence of God was but it was like I wasn’t allowed to touch it. I became frustrated at God and myself. I was frustrated at God because at the time that I needed to hear Him say something the most, He was the most silent.

When you are that low and feel that alone it forces you to come to a new level of trusting and having faith in Him. It took some time but I eventually came out of that intense loneliness. I never got a thus saith the Lord or a powerful voice that woke me up in the middle of the night. Actually what I got was never even spoken. One Sunday when I was praying, after weeks of trying to connect and feel/ hear anything, it was like a hand reached down and grabbed mine. That was all I needed. I just needed to know that I wasn’t truly alone, that there was someone somewhere that had an idea of where I was.

That’s why the song I mentioned has been on repeat for the past couple weeks. Each time I sing it I am reminded of that experience. Knowing that even though I had no clue where I was, and no one else really knew where I was, He knew. I wish I could say that after my experience the clouds rolled away and sunshine came through and I got to skip through a meadow of daffodils. Nope, that was just the beginning of a long road to repair all that had been broken during the rejection. Sometimes it requires complete silence from every voice, including God’s, in order to regain your footing and direction. It’s in the times of the most loneliness that God will get the closest to you.