If the Healing Never Comes

I find myself often playing a game with God. I have to have faith that it’s going to happen. That I’m going to be healed and not need a transplant and that he’s gonna fix all of my health issues. But simultaneously I have to do it nonchalantly. I have to act like I don’t care. I have to act like I’m not thinking every second of every day when is he going to do this because I am absolutely done and fed up with it. Although it’s not like I’m fooling anyone because he can literally read my thoughts.

I kind of have been at a cross roads recently. Maybe a perception check is a better way to phrase it. It’s like God is challenging me to stop looking at the pain, problems and side effects and really focus on what He’s doing amidst all of it.

A few days ago he brought to mind a promise he had made which was to heal me. He asked if I still believed in it and of course I said yes. No matter how bad it gets I will still have faith. Then he asked me healing for what? My immediate reaction was for my kidneys. He then said I told you I would heal you, but when did I say that I would heal your kidneys. God had trapped me. To my best memory I don’t remember him specifically saying he would heal my kidneys. Just that he would heal me.

That could mean that he is going to heal me spiritually, heal my wounds, maybe take away my scars, possibly even stop the need for my 9 different medications. Who knows (besides God). I had ultimately put him in a box yet again. But now the question arises of what do I do if that healing never comes. What if I am never able to actually quantify it into some sort of physical proof. What if it forever remains in the realm of the spiritual unknown.

I can only speak for myself, but I keep walking. Each day, hour and minute. I walk step by step with God. Things could continue to get worse. I’m currently on 4 different medications just to control my blood pressure, with me being maxed out on the dosage limits for 3 of them and the doctor just now increasing the dose for the fourth one because my bp is still out of control. That could possibly never change. I could need a 5th or 6th medication, but I will continue to walk.

Stephanie Kimbrell recently said in a testimony that she was told by Bishop Wright that, “God is good, God is Just and God is Right”. The issue that we find with those statements is that we are unable to take those pieces and fit them into the puzzle of our lives. If God was truly good then he wouldn’t make a young man go through something so tough at such a young age. Or how could he be right and justify sending me through this situation. When in reality those statements exist with him outside of our time, space or matter.

So if it turns out that he heals my kidneys then God is good, God is Just and God is Right. If it turns out that I have to get a transplant and take meds for the rest of my life then God is good, God is Just and God is Right. If it turns out I am the rarest case in the world and there is not and never will be a kidney that matches me then God is good, God is Just and God is Right.

I’m kind of taken back to an old song we used to sing;

I’ve got my foot on the Rock and my mind’s made up.

Though I walk through the lonely valley, though I drink from the bitter cup.

When the devil comes a-knockin’ showin’ me an easier way,

I stand right square on my feet, I throw my head in the air,

I look him straight in the eye, I say, my foot’s on the Rock and my mind’s made up!

 

I can’t guarantee that I will be perfect with this. There will still be days where dialysis starts off rough and leaves me with a headache and nausea and my blood pressure will refuse to go down. And days where with every step I take I feel my entire body jiggle because I am so swollen. BUT as long as I come back to my decision to make up my mind that no matter what God is Good, God is just and God is right. Then I think that not only will I make it through this but I will come out on the other side with God completing what he had planned to do in me.