Justified

I recently had a short return to the hospital. Without getting into the long drawn out reasons of what all happened, the short answer is that I got an infection. Which is common among those with weakened immune systems. The what of what happened in the hospital is not the part that I want to write about. Instead I want to look at how I responded.

Now those that know me know that there are few things I loath more than hospital visits, one reason being it seems to be impossible for me to go for less than a week. So any time I get told to come in, I immediately pack a weeks worth of clothes. I also refuse to wear gowns. I try to retain as much normality as I can while in a place that is everything but normal. Along side those issues, I also tend to become a human pin board, getting poked and prodded by what has to be at least half of all the needles in the hospital. Lastly, these visits cause not just me, but many people around me to have to interrupt their lives to accommodate the said visit. Please know this is not from a place of complaining, just sharing some insight to my typical hospital visits.

All of this is context for where I was at. After the kidney transplant, my mind immediately went to the place that this portion of the journey was over. Just smooth sailing from now on. Then I went back to the hospital the week after I got the transplant due to medication issues. That was my first blow to my predetermined mindset. Not only did I have to go back right after, but I was in for even longer than I was for the transplant itself. Talk about a blow to my spirit. Just took all of the wind out of my sails. Thoughts of doubt and fear began to creep in, trying to convince me that my kidney was doomed to fail. I did leave the hospital after my medications were balanced out and I was able to leave those fears in that hospital bed.

Four semi-regular months go by, a few hiccups but overall a very clean bill of health. I get an infection. It begins to develop. Infection is worse than the doctors had previously thought, they decided to call me in. One major issue with all that. My attitude. It’s the week before Christmas, I am working on more things and involved in more areas than I have ever been before and all of it is halted because I have to go back to the hospital. To say that I was annoyed would be an understatement. I didn’t enter that hospital room with a “Thy will be done”, it was more like “Thy will better be done in the next 48 hours”.

My life was again being interrupted and put on hold to deal with my medical issues. I was still having to get poked and prodded after I am supposed to be all better. I have to make the same 25 calls I make each time to tell everyone I’m back in the hospital. I was just beyond frustrated at God, but what is even worse and even more dangerous is my attitude was justified.

After all I had been through, it should be over. I should be walking on clouds because my kidney is working so good. I should not be making frequent trips to the hospital. Each of those statements is true. Yet God still sent me to that hospital bed. Which for at least two of the days they didn’t even do anything.

I was justified in my anger, my frustration and my confusion. I was in a dangerous place. In a place of justification dark things can begin to grow. Things that don’t grow in the sunlight. Things that grow roots that go as deep as they can until they find water to sustain themselves. I had turned my heart into a harvest field of weeds.

In one conversation over the holidays, I had mentioned being in the hospital and how I had a not so great attitude about it. Her response was, “well of course you were, I would be too, especially after all you have been through.” When she said that it hit me like a fist hitting my chest. How could I ever justify my anger and bitterness against the one who died on the cross for my sins. I am alive walking around with a God given miracle kidney and I have the audacity to think that my life getting put on hold to ensure that gift is not lost is an inconvenience in my life.

I recently had a conversation with an elder about tares that grow in the wheat field. Catching them early is always good, but you cant do anything about them until they have fully matured. Then when you are collecting the harvest you must separate the tares from the wheat and then burn them. I am disappointed to say that during that short trip some tares were planted. I can’t go digging through the fields of my heart to find them now. I will have to wait until they have grown and with God’s help be able to separate them from all the good that He is also growing in my life.

“And, behold, a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life? He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou? And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself. And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live. **But he, willing to justify himself,** said unto Jesus, And who is my neighbour?”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭10:25-29‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Love the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength and mind. And my neighbor as myself. If I am able to justify my anger and attitude against God then how long until I turn that against my family, friends or even strangers. A life of justification is a slippery slope that only ends with hurt and bitterness. So instead of justifying my negative attitude I am going to justify my positive attitude. God gave me a perfect kidney. The amount of medications I have to take each day have dropped by half. I have regained so much energy, joy, and just overall life that I cannot even put it into words. God has taken me from the brink of death time and time again and each time He has only covered me in more grace and mercy than I will ever deserve. In this I will justify my praise.